For the love of God, I am his mother( or getting removed out of a grieving mothers support group )

I usually write these blog entries for me and usually are stunned that anyone besides me reads them. But today if you read this  and your heart hurts for me, Ty or Mike  . Please share this . Share this for every parent who did not birth their child and fights the stigma of being less of a parent because our child grew in our hearts not under it . Share this for me because if I lost my biological 3 1/2 year old , I would not be getting challenged on how deep my grief is . But because my 19 year only lived with us for that same time span somehow my grief because I am not bio mom is viewed as less.And anyone who knows my relationship with my son knows it was more , more for both of us, for the 3 of us and as a family more than we ever could have dreamed, any of us.

I found a mothers support group online and while I am devastated by what happened and I will not share the group name as this was an admin decision and not the group of very sweet woman in mourning .I liked the group as it was for moms who had lost their child separate from a miscarriage. Because of the layers of losing a child you are carrying , the group had a specialized support group for the moms who never got to have time with their angels. Which I thought was sweet and sensitive. I liked the group , I liked having people in all stages of losing their children and seeing stories and support around things you feel so isolated with.

I have been working with my therapist a lot lately , Folks who read this and  have lost a child will understand. I am not suicidal . However the loss of such love in my life has left me tired, devastated and with no will to be here. I will occupy the space and folks call me a warrior or champion , but that's not the case . My child is gone , this world is so hateful right now , I will be here but its hard to care why . Am I going to kill myself , no . Do I have a will to be present in life , no. Its been a private struggle that I have been dealing with and supported by Ty. It's Not something you publicly say but now I feel I need to because if I was suicidal , this would have been the straw....

This was the blow by blow of my morning via messenger

admin: seeing your post , was your angel adopted 

yes

at what age did you adopt him 

16

you know our group is only for biological mothers 

I did not know that , I am sorry I am his real mother

I understand your pain is just as great as all the other mothers in this group. But this group is set up for biological mothers only We will have you in our thoughts and prayers but I have to remove you from the group . I hope you understand . Sending you prayers of strength and peace , If you every need someone to talk , I am here .

For folks who may not have had this impact set in: here it is.I was just removed from a group of mother who support each other over the loss of their children because I did not birth Michael.Really one more knife in my heart. I was just cast out of a group of the one place I saw folks understand because "your not the birth mom " Thank you for praying for the mom you just took additional support from. Yes its their group they can set it how they want but here I am sharing and caring and feeling like wow a place to check in and bam not welcome because well why , the message for me felt like  again your not his real mom . This is not a boycott call because most of these members wont know why I am not there. They are grieving moms like me , they need their space , but its incredibly fucked up to not be validated becasue of biology.

There are not any support groups out there for parents of adopted children who passed and do you know why? Its becasue we unlike birth parents do not distinguish . He was not my adopted child , he was my child who came home via adoption not labor and delivery . Every feeling and loss these moms have I also am experiencing becasue he was my son. I fought a hard battle to educate folks about creating your family through adoption , every adoptive parent deals with those little stings and jabs. But to be discounted in the depths of pain over my child's death becasue my vagina played no part in creating our family, oh my God .

My son's birth mom has not been in the picture since according to Mike he last spent time with her at 7 years old at some visits. It was fuzzy details for him because she was not a piece of his life. I find that sad , not just for him but her too. She missed out on one hell of a child. But who Michael was when he left this earth, she could not answer, I could. Its not a slam or judgment just reality. She was his biology, I was his parent . I am his parent. I am his mother and always will be. And when my time here is over , I will be with my son again. I am proud that adoption created our family and sickened that in our society people still challenge the love adoption creates as equal.

For folks who cannot comprehend  a non bio mom being a real mon , here is what us "other " moms do or a sample from my life

• soothed my child's fears on his first day of school , made his lunch every day 
• ate dinner as a family every night 
• helped create his IEP, worked with dyslexia specialists and spent about 2 hours each night helping him gain reading skills and do homework
• cried to see him dressed up for prom
• prayed the first time he had a serious medical procedure
• advocated for the correct treatment of his migraines
• let him curl up with me and cry when he was upset about friend or boyfriends

sound familiar , yep that's what moms do. And while I never had  that moment in the delivery room , here is what we also deal with as "non bio moms" as we clean up the damage left by others. Not just me but so many adoptive parents. This is why our bond is just as strong as a birth bond , its the miracle created when our children feel safe in life and blossom into their best selves.

• hug your child and soothe them without changing your loving expression and then quietly going to the bathroom to puke because the horror of the abuse your child suffered and just told you is too much  and murder seems rational at that moment
• Find out some of your child's medical issue were caused by physical abuse / stay strong while letting them process the hurt and anger around it
• Being challenged in new and exciting ways with PTSD because your child loves you so much but fears you will abandon them like every other adult they trusted. 
• Cleaning the ants up and convincing your child you will always feed him, no hoarding food needed
• Fighting with every ounce of your being to let your child see your love for them will never waiver  

and lastly something I never want any parent to do :but me, me the non bio mom did. Me, his mother did . Me, the woman, the mother who should have never had to do this with Michael

• have your entire family come to tell you your child is dead
• watch your partner who you both worked so hard to create a family with, die a bit inside 
• go see your son at the mortuary not knowing what he would look like after the accident
• hold your dead child
• plan your sons funeral
• wake up each and every morning without  him and figure out how to go on.

I am Michael's mother I am not ashamed that that is through adoption. But for me how he came is no matter but its obviously a big deal to others. You do not need to demean my role and love in my child's life to make you feel better about the role in your child's. He came and we love him and parts of us break each day without him. I think adoption is wonderful but folks its not a plan b its not less than birth. In fact being given a child who has no real reason to trust or love and be able to have them give you both, that is birth, that is  the miracle , the gift given by God to our families.

For all of my people who celebrate how we became a family and support families being created through adoption with the same merit as birth , I love you . For those who can only ramble on about Mikes past abuse this is why I need you to shut the fuck up for a while. Mike is my son, I don't need him validated as a cautionary tale on foster care or the triumph of love over darkness. Right now like any other mom, I just need to be his grieving mom and he our lost angel . 

I am just Michael's, why cant I just be his mom ?

I am not his biology but I bleed when you stab me me around his memory. And me willing to trade my life for his has nothing based in biology just pure love.