God in loss

My life has not always been easy. In my younger years I did a lot of things that sabotaged me and others around me. My move to Oregon was my spur to pull my head out and connect with the light inside me that had been squashed for so long. It connected me to becoming the person worthy of being Michael's mom. In the past years as Ty and I created our family, I have been called many things  ; crunchy, liberal, unrealistic optimist. These labels do not bother me, I like them. They are not untrue. The best labels have been having folks see the unlimited love that is in my soul and a few people having said they can see that part of me that is God.

That part of me opened up when I met my son for the first time and now because I am still not in agreement with God's plan for my child, that door in my soul is a bit jammed up. We talk about God a lot in our daily lives and world. Sometimes now speaking for him : who is worthy, who is saved, who is different. I am not sure we are his best spokespeople at times, with all the hate in his name we can be pretty poor endorsements. But my son brought out the best in me and while he struggled to find his path as a young adult at times and his version of faith, it cannot be denied : My son had those parts of God in him, those loving kind gooey bits of the divine, I am not sure how I feel that now , right now I feel more like Mary than an affinity to God himself. I am a human mother, my child was hurt , I had to give my child back. I however do not yet keep the steadfast faith of the original warrior momma.

What is part of God that lives in us and how do we access it in our darkest hours? The first day I saw my son I say I saw God. I will live by that statement forever. Michael was not like placing a baby in my arms, at 16 and after so much turmoil, I did not know if he would come to me that very cold March morning. I remember pulling up to his foster home and this small blond face at the garage door. He flew and I mean flew into Ty's arms and then mine. He smelled like a woodstove and dove soap, and it was done, that was my kid.

I do not know how other parents experience this but the first willing connect from my son bathed me in a serenity I had never felt before. In all the excitement after so many months and 155 Skypes, there was stillness. Just his heart beat and this warm loving energy wrapping us up. It was maybe a minute but it felt like a life time. In that time frame, I forgave myself and knew my purpose and where the universe had placed me time after time to lead to this child, my child holding me like a life line. There was power in that moment, everything sharper, clearer, less scary. Walls in my heart  that I carried for decades shattered. This moment as a family is what my soul need , what I needed. In that moment I saw God , I knew him. Not in robes or depictions in a church but as our family as non traditional and imperfect ,together perfect with each other and with love that to this day defies death.

The day we lost Michael, was the opposite. All I heard was noise and chaos and the open heart folding in on itself like deflated dough, smothering and weighing down. After losing my parents , Michael leaving was when it felt like any part of God had left me. Michael's brilliance of being part of the divine was that he was not sure of his faith in a religious contact. That made his love, compassion and drive for peace and betterment more magical. He had let some of his demons go, set them free. Some still in cages would rattle the bars and him at times. I got that , my demons do the same. For the most though, he was slowly letting those demons starve, feeding what brought him joy and not pain. He was stubborn and driven and sometimes secretive, yet in the next moment he would open his soul to people in the most disarming and true fashion I have ever seen. He was who he was with no apology and that was the greatness in him . That part now lost that I think would have changed the world or his corner of it.

Its hard for me to open my heart to myself, others and God right now. The heart is too broken, to shredded and at times feeling unworthy. My life 's believed purpose  is now gone and unsure where I go . I shied my heart because the peace that God gave me is disconcerted shrapnel  and the heart at time feels like a useless organ. I continue to try small space after small space, claiming the landscape of my soul back. I am trying because my son now exists where the tangible does not matter , only intention, light and love. When I panic, rear back, its harder for me to sense him, to feel him.But when I lay myself open, broken and vulnerable , that is where Michael  holds me up, makes me smile , gives me permission to engage in life again. I resent the hell out of giving my child back. I see no fairness and I have not yet been ok or made peace with it. But I need my son's presence to sustain me until I see him again. he led me to God once perhaps in healing Michael will lead me back again one day.

Our child you will always be our heart