A letter for my kiddo

Hi Baby
I really do not know how the other life works and I know it is not for me to know yet. But it tickles me to think that somehow after you explore the universe, my child of social media checks in on the ultimate cosmic internet and sees my posts. I know I am kidding myself though because when I write is when I feel the closest to you , On my right side and over my shoulder. This is the time when all these emotions flow on paper and make sense instead of being the hamster wheel to my brain. Yesterday I kept really really busy  from 4 am until 3 am , distraction. Yesterday was hard , too hard to think or feel too much.

90 day  and folks tell me how well I am grieving you , ironically I think I am bat shit crazy most of the time , but I appreciate the  belief in me. I really in 90 days know how much you were and dad and I are loved. Not just family but friends who are family, your friends , so many folks reaching out to offer us just space in love and hope. You used to ask me with all the bad stuff and all the hate, even when I was frustrated did I believe in humanity? This is the answer I always wanted you to see , the lesson was love. That if you tried to love with your heart even risking being vulnerable , the world can find a way to respond in time. Not talking about being perfect, but always going back to the belief that love  moves mountains. It took me decades to embrace that . It took you only 19 years. 90 days ago people did not step in to fill the void left by your passing but anchored Dad and I so the void did not consume us . While we are being spun at 10 gs of force in a tipsy curvy new reality , we have not been sucked into that black hole. There are times when dad and I meld into each other just because we either in tangent feel you with us or search for solace in the space where we are desperate for you.We are surviving and just baby stepping it to living without you and that my child is not easy.

Our first 90 day countdown  began  that January after we were cleared and moving to becoming a family. That 90 days had structure and purpose. Up at 4 am so I could Skype with you before school and dad coming in from work in time to say goodbye to you . drive to work call our adoption worker, juggle red tape, cry when the fight got so big. Drive home from work , grab sandwich turn on computer , watch Skype light up . Talk with you until bed time . Weekend you and dad playing video games via Skype. 155 Skype. You may not know this, I saved everyone of them. A steady and steadfast metronome until March 22 which was the date we either got to take you home or dad took a leave of absence and went to work in the oil fields out there in North Dakota just so one of us could be close to you, so you would know that we meant when we said we would never leave you . You never knew that, but that was plan B if your paperwork did not clear the morning we met you at the house. Those were defining moments for dad and I. We learned how to move the system for you , for us. After the first time you fell apart over the red tape , we called a meeting . And I released the kracken ( aka dad) . The new plan was no one but dad and I were allowed to update you on the cases progress. WE never lied to you but yes we kept the challenges away from you, we let you be the child for the first time and us the parents . We learned we could be warriors not screaming  banshees but systematic , calculated machines to move through a system that would have to kill us before it kept you. Day 90 was our day of when we marked time different , everything else became before Michael.

90 days now and our world is measured into before the accident and after.Our first 90 days our life truly began . These 90 days are pulling our-self out of when our life came to a screaming halt.We watch the world move on and are unsure how we do , if we will , how we get to joy again? I was not a helicopter mom, I let you make mistakes and learn form them, yet I was always in the wings , times you never knew, protecting you . I know I lost you on impact but as your mom , there is a part of me that failed you , I was not there when you left this world. In logic it may not make sense but in mom logic its excruciating. I am sorry baby , If I was there , I would have made that deal with God , I would have given me for you.

This 90 days I have learned a lot. I learned I can bear this pain of losing you because of the 3 and half years of unmitigated pure joy you brought me each and every day. If this is the price of unconditional love , I will pay it because baby you are worth all of it. I learned just how many people are there for dad and I , in big ways ways and small . That people I never thought would care are beyond allies, that we are loved . I have learned that people do stupid things in grief , some boundaries crossed  without a clue on how hurtful or inappropriate . One day I will have to deal with that but not now. Right now , I care only about you , dad and me .

The biggest  lesson is I no longer fear death. I once counted down to seeing you. That was measured , precise  and our life opened the day you opened that door, I know this countdown , I have no control over this time period. But I know this , when it is time for me to cross , dad to cross , it will be you that brings us over . One because I believe that while your soul is free you miss us too and getting to be the big cheese would thrill you . I will continue to embrace this world for you but please know my heart  right now swells with love and shatters simultaneously.

Mom loves you kiddo , forever