The rant of the broken

For anyone who has never done energy work with therapy, I seriously recommend it. It hurts like hell, physically when they hit the stuck energy, you almost puke and the guttural sounds coming out of your body are truly like an animal in a trap. But it’s worth it, your head is clearer after.

I keep hearing this term gas lighting, honestly I never paid it much mind, well cause my thoughts have been elsewhere lately. The long and short of it is that you live in toxicity and see the truth but others convince you you are the crazy one. You believe it and become that crazy one without a grounding in reality. Your memories are imposed on you and you never know what is real so you create it. My life is a blank tape from about 11-21. I have no wish to piece it together, I trust some peoples filling in and have learned others flat out lied to me for their perceived payback, which I guess is fair enough but I no longer owe penance to anyone .I am done, the belief that locked me in are gone , fuck you , moving on .

This rage is freeing because it’s clearing out the shit literally. I will move forward in my life with love and honor to my child but from now on the love does not place you above me, If you know me this is hard , But its work that has to be done.

The past few days have gotten harder and harder.2 nights ago a friend pulled me from that abyss where all the monsters under our bed live, where each ounce of fear and self-loathing is measured and counted with precise and controlled lashes to the soul. The place in me that preaches love that I imparted to Michael that love is important was dying quick. Jayodin thank you for grounded me back to sanity.

Flash ahead to my therapist office, and she asked me the question I think alot of folks have wanted to ask. Do I have any will to be here anymore? The answer is no. The struggle and the loss compounded is too much too soon. I am tired too tired at times to fight for me. I really do not like sharing this, however for folks who lose too much too quick or lose their child, someone has to admit we go there. Please understand this is not suicidal. I have no desire to end my life, I would never devastate Ty or in the next life Michael. But my will, my energy, my desire to be here and engage really engage is waning at times. Every time I see hate spewed or joy of others pain it breaks me down. When people are sharing my life and my sons history  publically after I have asked them to stop, I channel anger. Will is desire and while I do not have the will to end it, the will to engage or make it better fails me.

For those out there holding me up as a badass, that lesson of how to survive, stop. Stop putting me in that place of giving you false hope that bad things happen and we all come out ok. I am not in this instance a badass. I am a mother who lost her child too soon, her parents too soon together, her health and her world, too soon. I am not that badass you want me to be, I am in fact broken. And my need to hide how broken has done me no favors.