Pancakes and finding will to be

So it started simple enough with pancakes and it ended as it does so often for me searching for why I stay connected here. The last few weeks have been odd: being removed from a grief group for not being your bio mom, coming to terms with closing the door on family members who I only had worth to if I was putting them first, still trying to figure out how dad and I move through this life without you. 

So dad and I finally got around to finishing the trim on the house, don't roll your eyes Michael its been a tough summer. Before we started I decided to do pancakes, quick and easy. Halfway through , I remembered our last pancakes, made by you on Mothers Day . And then I thought of the Mother's day with you, your making of rainbow pancakes for me and grandma and the aunts. And I cried because there will be many pancakes in my life but no more with you or by you. My rational , non delusional brain gets that, my heart no its hard for that to settle there. My heart is now literally a black box, recording every moment with you, so when I am at the crash site that is my life: I have something to play back, something to remind me we as a family were here. Trust me the twisted burning shards of what was once a whole heart have recorded every minute of our flight with you . As a family there will be no new history or memory but the greatness and the miracle of the three of us, I have it archived kiddo and its very safe.Its been 5 months and very little of the wound is closed but every memory stays technicolor.

Some folks are uncomfortable talking about you, but for me I have to. Your memories are not just memories, it is how I now connect to you, my child , the best part of our hearts. I have de connected to the cyber world , short  of posting my blogs. When you died that part of me that had empath skills opened more than I ever thought about letting it . While the joy is finding ways to connect you you , the energy off people in the world  is hard to let wash over me. The ugliness and fear on the net right now , no cute goat videos can fix for me . Its like tattoo needles dragging on my skin. I don't like it so I am taking at least a 30 day social media reset to try to connect with folks with the way I did with you love, in real time.

I am so tired love. In ways I never though were possible. I think I am figuring out what other grieving parents are saying about how the loss never leaves but just changes. Like sisyphus, always rolling the rock up hill to watch it come done, my ritual is also sacrosanct. My heart hurts each night as I lay down and then whatever restorative powers sleep has are undone by the  dawn of day. The pieces of my heart webbed back together at night , with you in dreams are shredded when I open my eyes and realize it is another day without my child. NO new memories, no you. And I begin the push to figure out what keeps me connected. What other parents say is true. This pain never leaves, it  is inevitable but  to survive here without our kids we have to find ways to manage the expectation of this pain upon waking. Or at least I need to because parts of me that started to erode with the loss of mom and dad are slipping quick kiddo.I don't want to be a living ghost chasing a spiritual one. It does neither you or I any good. Nor is it the way I want to hold you sacred and safe in me. I want to smile when I think of your rainbow pancakes and not weep. 

So I now have a therapist , a life coach . a yoga class. Its fake it til you make it time . But I don't want fake , you my love were many things some wonderful, some frustrating but never were you fake. I want to choose to have a will to live not pretend to keep from scaring others and myself.  When I drink tea, I want to feel its warmth fill me, when I laugh I want something in my soul to light back up. I cant bring you back to me but I cannot force to hasten my time until I see you again. I am trying Michael I promise and I have never not fufilled a promise to you.