The birthday still in my heart

My three fave pictures of kiddo on his birthday!!!

Because  I know tomorrow will be hard and sorting through my emotions with a concussion even more, I sit in the quiet today and try to just let the wonder of my son and his excitement for life flow. Last night we saw a falling star, clear , steady in course. I am sure it was kiddo , giving us the reminder he is still with us.

Tomorrow December 27th , our baby should be turning 20. More than any holiday or lost night wandering the house searching for him, this day hurts the most. Birthdays the celebration of life and creation. And here it is my crisis of faith again : knowing my son is eternally safe and loved and knowing him , having himself one big glitter dance party, and yet I want my son here, I want to see my son become the man he was destined to be.

Michael more than anything loved his birthday. We talked about it once: after years of being in care where you were never celebrated , never felt wanted anywhere, to have family and friends be there because he existed was pretty cool to him .His birthdays were a validation to his heart  that he did the right thing by never giving up and holding hope his tribe was out there .

In some ways with birthdays we did go overboard, they were in our way the way of making up for years of crappy foster care birthdays. .We made it about him for several days. His first party started the tradition. It was in some ways magical. we had a to be 17 year old acting in some ways like 6. His self and inner Michael running in joy . Much like a toddler going "i want a batman cake, no a dinosaur cake, no a minion cake, the picking out of the cake could have made any bridezilla jealous. What other kids took for granted, picking out your own cake, he had never had. When he could not decide , we bought both .You would have thought we just handed him a million dollars. I remember him saying but mom my cakes are not you or dads favorite. Baby we told him, that is  fine , its about you today, what you like. His beaming could have lit up a small village.

Getting ready for his first party was epic proportions. Since we had so many people coming we rented out a room at a local pizza place.. No one would ever know but he fretted so hard before the party.The kid whose 16th birthday was cake with a foster parent thats it, did not really believe folks were going to show . He changed outfits about 6 times and paced until we got in the car and picked up Brandon and Arik.It was a great night , about 30 people, pizza, cake , laser tag and then his buddies sleeping over.Each time we had these milestones you could see the parts of my sons heart that had gone dark form lack of nurturing light up, each time it created a better part of him he shared with all of us .

The next year , still epic. And we began what he told us was his birthday tradition. Family and friends party , then him off to cerebrate with his buddies. but always mom he said  first with you and dad and grandma and everyone.We spent 3 hours before his party getting his tattoo and him then finding a shirt to hide said tattoo from grandma at the party. Still pizza , still laser tag but the next day out dancing with friends.

This past year not so great , we had just came home from losing my mom and experiencing family freeze . Mike did not want to have a party , he loved my mom  his grandma in a way I do not think he understood and he just wanted low key.We kept the tradition low key: dinner with dad and I then he went and hung with friends. His sadness over mom was that he had not known my mom for long but was enamored with her as much she to him. But we kept our tradition time with us then time with friends. Next year mom he would say , we are whooping it  up. I think after my pizza party and friends we should all go to Seattle for a day and dad and I can take pics.Next year it will be amazing.

If you take nothing else away form our life with Michael please take this : no matter how blessed you feel , life is not guaranteed. Good people die before you are ready . Dont take these days for granted We thought we had this year, we were wrong.

I know with Leonard Cohen, Prince and George Michael gone, kiddo is having one heck of a party tomorrow.,  Dad and I maybe not so much. For me the loss on his birthday is the loss of time with me son. I do not get to hold him, hug him, hear him, smell his cologne , watch him dig for outfits. I do  not see him achieve his goal of being a trauma nurse, graduate college. i never get to be mother of the groom, grandma, the mother in law. Selfish I know but they all stem from watching my son have milestones I wanted so badly for him .

So today let me introduce you to what Michael achieved this year , what gifts he had before he turned 20. Some  he shared some he just did.

• He aced organic chem 
• He decided that because of his moves in care he did not have an internal structure needed to compete in nursing school. He researched, applied and was accepted into a medical tech program in WA to get a leg up before he went into his nursing programs.He would have been 6 months in this month.
• He gave blood twice this year
• He volunteered at 2 homeless youth events 
• He began not to just listen to opera but study it 
• Just in what I knew with him he has bought lunch for folks on the street 15 times.
• He was actively addressing his PTSD from childhood abuse
• He was steadfast in his promise that if he was unable to drive he would text me and tell me he was staying the night
• He kept a friend from committing suicide
• He jumped into the dating pool
• He began perform drag and went dancing every chance he got 
• He found a job he enjoyed with people he enjoyed 
• He learned to change his tire, his oil and his headlight
• He began not to just reconnect with his sisters but know them on a deeper relationship
• He no longer feared his bio sperm donor
• He created a recipe for salt and vinegar fish tacos which is freaking awesome
• He had more than one of his moms friends wrapped around his finger enough to get them to make him pozole anytime he smiled and begged
• He was learning to sew
• Apparently he rocked a pair of camo ledderhosen 
• He saw Rocky Horror 2 times
• He still held Ty or my hand out in public
• He still hugged us both 
• He taught OZ to sit and wait for his food.
• He saw grandma and papa wayne at least once a week 
• He was starting to run again
• He had began to edit alot of his pictures in Photoshop and created some amazing art, he would just take off with his camera and capture what captured him
• I know he had at least 2 but probably more nights him and friends slept in the car at the beach , just to hear the ocean and see a sunrise.
• He and I healed the biggest fight we ever had. He admitted to me that at times he did not know what to do with how much I loved him , dad loved him. He said if his bio threw him aside , why did I stay. He told me I was his real mother point blank and he was testing me to see if I really would always stay. I passed.
• He became Ty's biggest supporter telling him not to cave in and be happy and be himself or Mike would be mad at him .
• A friend told us after he passed that he did not move out like he planned. he told us the deal fell through, the friend he was renting from told us  he told her he changed his mind. he was not ready he wanted to stay with his parents longer, he still wanted to be with us . 
• He lived a life that had challenges and sadness, he liked at times the drama but in the end his desire to be present in life always trumped the crap .
• He is amazing, he is our baby