Michael’s stocking is 3 times larger than mine or Tys, blue sequins, fur trim. It is the hard to contain joy that was Michael. Like us all he had his dark times, lost thoughts, feelings of less than. But his heart was joy and that often filtered over the brain, the overthinking, the past loss.
Watching a child who had holidays in almost 25 different places, with often strangers, with people who treated him different than their own children, is a lesson in being present in the moment. Michael's last Christmas before us, was so hard. We knew about him and paperwork was moving but he had no idea we were out here, waiting and praying for him. My babies last Christmas in foster care was in some ways harder for us, he had adjusted to institutional holiday cheers, but we knew we were moving to bring him home and I just wanted to be with him , have him feel our love, let him know he would never be without family again. I cried that first holiday without him because I yearned for the child alone in North Dakota. This year I cry because I yearn for my son, this time though he is safe with God, my mother, my father and Ty’s dad. He is in love and support. It is now us, feeling the emptiness, not sure how to be in this moment, be without you this holiday. If tears could form a river truly, dad and I would have wept enough to flow to heaven to see you several times over.
To not self-destruct this season, I am opening the heart and floodgate to the deepest parts of memory about your first Christmas home. For most people the thought was we created this wonderful life version of Christmas, big, flashy for him. We did not, instead we focused on using some of my families’ traditions building on them. Like any teen he liked stuff, swag but for him his anxiety showed in he just wanted us, the family, traditions and memories that were finally his, never to leave.
From making cookies to trimming a tree (complete with his chosen Halloween lights too) he just wanted us close. He wanted to absorb his family and make his mark in it. From using his great grandma Marion sugar cookie recipe to pacing until everyone hot here for Christmas eve dinner , his moments very so very focused on what sales, and stress, and consumerism sometimes take out of us. His love was in feeling where he was, how he was with and connecting in deep moments. At 16 he had in national average less than a 5% chance of finding his family. We found each other that is a miracle. His first Christmas and all our others always brought us back to power of family. That in the end family, your tribe, not always blood but your people, we stay no matter what. Last year, kiddo and I had a big fight around the holiday, it was bad. But mom died, and our Christmas Eve was spent in a hotel in Calif , cut off by other family and seeing grandma at the funeral home for one last time. But again as we mourned my mother and his grandma, Mike and I came back to love and again he learned that there was nothing he could do that would change my love for him. This year I am without them both, but they together and my love for both still as fresh as yesterday.
But I always wander back to his first holiday and how it has set the tone for each milestone in our life. Michael gaining more confidence that we are where he always had a safe landing of love, we are his parents and family. We are always his, and he ours. That we were given a child who was raise literally with very little and for most times without true love, safety or security. Yet instead of making him cold, his heart expanded to others in a divine way. My son was not religious, just figuring out his spirituality, but there was alight of God deep in my child, he just did not know the words for that.
I found a Facebook post from our first Christmas that set the tone for how Mike looked at the holiday season. Each year kiddo did a lot of random acts of kindness, many never advertised, quietly leaving presents, buying a solider a meal etc. Him just wanting to share the peace he had in his heart.
The post:
Ok there are so many reasons I love my kid but one of my favorite things is the empathy, kindness and
love that the system could never suck out/beat out of him. Ty works this
Christmas day, Mikes idea first we are doing serving at a shelter then we
adopted a group home and are doing a secret elf bombing of gifts and stockings.
The system did not raise my son, the love and light in his soul is all Mike !!!!
My son’s first Christmas
his actual favorite gift was a
hat knitted by Aunt Miranda. I found it recently,
still smelling of my kiddo and I smiled. I have included picture of the first
Christmas. I look at them and smile because of the pure radiance emitting from him.
In this picture I see my 16 year old but I also see 3 year old mike, 5 year old
mike, and 10 year old mike. My baby’s inner child getting his needs met, coming
out of the shadows and sharing light.
Folks have asked me what
they can do to make our
holiday easier. In truth just the ask is enough, the
thoughts for us because what I want I can never have again on this life. But
what you can do is just be in the moment, be the magic my son finally got. Stop
worrying about if the tree is perfect, if your child needs one more gift, or if
someone is saying happy holidays or merry Christmas. That’s all just noise. For
us be in the minute of the lights twinkling at night, your child’s laughter and
that a stranger engaged in kindness or in vocabulary. Stop being consumed by
stress, or petty dogma, see the people in your life because when they are gone tinsel
and gifts are for naught.
Michael one day I
can celebrate again , this year
though
my heart is too heavy , the weight of
losing you too crushing but to help mom out , have God give extra blessing
to our friends and family this season.
We love you son
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