Some folks notice I do not talk about mom and dad very often . Its not for lack of grief but the compounded interest of too many losses too quickly. This time last year I was flying home from Chicago on a broken leg, that later formed a blood clot and a torn ACL. On September 16th , I received my last phone call from my father, saying how he was feeling better but thought he was getting a cold from the chemo. 3 days after that call still in a cast I flew back out to Florida as my dad was no longer conscious.One September 28th 2015, I watched my father take one last breath and leave this world and it felt like me forever. My brother who lived with them and had watched the cancer journey broke with his heart. The next hour and a half was me following my brother down empty hallways , keeping the security guards and nurses from calling the cops or hurting him. Mercifully, I do not think he remembers just how deep that moment was for him. I cannot get it out of my mind. Crushing quickly around a hospital also will crack the plaster in your cast , cause a pinched nerve and do permanent damage to a few toes by the way.
The next few weeks were about mom , getting her through, getting her moved to CA to be closer us. Listening to her at night when she thought we were asleep , telling him how much she loved him and missed him. She aged and on December 21st 2015 , she laid down for a nap and never woke up. She wanted I believe to be with him. I never thought there could be more pain than losing my parents so close together. Then June10th 2016 happened, and our child left too.
The first time I thought of all of these losses as a whole was a few weeks after Michael had died. The stillness in the house was like breathing through a warm, wet blanket. Just as heavy and smothering as imagined. I went to our local public pool , where cacophony of sound hurls itself off tile walls never letting you know if you are in a place of joy or listening to the inane roar of inmates in some chlorine filled asylum. Usually Michael was with me, playing , racing or my handsome kid attracting flirting girls while I just shake my head think " oh sweeties if you only knew". The first night in North Dakota, family now of three we all played in the pool until we were freezing and oh so very happy. The first time he met his aunt was the beach. water was a healing place for us.
So being alone when Ty was at work was new and my new reality . And I began to plod through the water, power walking in the shallow and doing a slow willful wounded butterfly when feet no longer felt tile. And like the water around me and the acrid chemical smell assaulting me, my memories had no where else to go but out. Past the kids with water wings and happy moms and old men with googles , I just kept repeating the laps of the damned. And after about 2 hours in , I realized not only was my will but the literal strength in my body gone. Beyond blue and waterlogged , my whole being was numb and very very tired. Smack in the deep end, I was hit with the possibility that I was so exhausted I might drown. Anyone who has every experienced a deep loss can understand what happened next. To be be honest at that moment drowning did not seem so bad. I was choking emotionally on the loss of my mobility, my parents, my child, my heart , my future. To lay down in the pale grey blue water and caress the rough tile bottom to escape did not seem so terrifying , not in comparison to the pain that was unraveling every thread of who I was.
I wish to say here is where I had a great epiphany or decided to live for my partner, my son , myself. That I had a moment of god like intervention or an angel pulling me out of it. That I cared. But I cannot because there was in that that moment nothing , nothing but the reality of what was happening in my life , the never ending sorrow and the soul crushing pain.In my mind , if I was suppose to be on the bottom of the pool, I would have been already. So I paddled myself to the side of the pool and hung on the ladder for about 10 minutes until I knew I could pull myself out . I went into the sauna and sobbed as the chlorine and toxicity of my losses just oozed out like some weird science experiment. I did not feel better, I did not heal anything that day but I learned the pain only felt like it would kill me , it will be a million slow painful deaths until I see my son again , but they won't take me. I do not want to stand in the face of this, make peace with it , or accept it . I do not have to , but I am able to stand, for now that is enough .
There is this whole metaphor around grieving about riding the waves in the ocean. They come you learn how to ride them etc etc. I like it , I get it . But for me there is one more piece. When you experience any great loss , you will go under , maybe many times. If you panic, fight your feelings , gasps for answers like air: you will become disorientated, paralyzed and you will drown in yourself . When you go under, don't fight it. Sit on the sand of that ocean or tile of that emotional pool. Know where up is , take in the sensations, don't panic, feel . Its incredibly terrifying to feel loss, panic, fear , they all make you want to fight for the wrongs reasons . Just take it in , let it become one with you like underwater how you hear your own heartbeat, feel its wounds, tell it you still love it even though its not really working well .
Trust that those around you will keep you from drowning and when your ready come back up for air.
Our kiddo you are so very loved , every day
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