Almost 60 days. This at times is what blows me away. How time is such a human construct ,created for us to mark time and create order. The reality is that I wake up everyday and like some demented form of groundhog day, for me it feels like June 11th, not 60 days later. Each day we won't hear him shuffling around or singing as he showers, his room now a time capsule in some ways, a refuge in others and at times the place my heart goes to die.
I know some folks might think I am waxing poetic but this writing is not for anyone else. And what I have learned is that while everyone says "take the time you need" they mean it with good hearts. But for them life is moving on. When you first suffer catastrophic loss, its not about wanting life to move on but figuring out how you navigate, re arrange , pick yourself up. And fuck we miss our son. I miss my son, my mom, my dad , all gone in less than a year and in the scope of time an eyeblink.
There are days I am a warrior, a champion a survivor. There are other days I am fetal on his bed , trying not to pass out because the sobs are so deep and air constricting. When you suffer loss , you know that people love and support you, you can reach out , but 60 day later , a year later the depth of your pain can scare those who love you. It does so because their hearts are so open to wanting you to heal that like you they feel powerless when your heart is still just beating no less mending.
Please understand I do take it all in , like a movie you watch at 3 am bleary eyed and half focused, but its reaching me. The depth of what a kind kid my son was and how he was growing into an impactful young man never ceases to amaze me. He was at times the stubborn eye rolling teen but there was greatness there. His ability to be present and engage was astounding , his ability to want justice and compassion tremendous. Our adoption agency whom he loved , is doing a sweet celebration of him at their 10 year anniversary fundraiser . My work did a lovely tribute and donations to our adoption agency . All around our area I am seeing friends sporting Mikes last tattoo as tribute. His adoption agency in ND is doing a luggage drive in all their branches in his honor. At 19 he as a legacy, most adults never have. Of being known for being true, kind and light. I love having our adopted family from the agency who understand I am not mourning my adopted child but my child period. I love having other parents who feel like I do: someone else birthed my kiddo, they took rotten care of him, but he came and he lived. Right now I do not care about his rotten past but instead want folks to see the man he was becoming in 4 years as family. The man my child was in his heart and soul . The man who was Ty and I's baby even though our baby came as tall as us, with furry legs.I take you all in and love you all so much for holding space for me in the world as I find a way to come back to me. I am a cocoon right now, which without support would be the one that withers of the branch. But the Chrysalis inside is being nurtured by love and support I feel even if I cannot always express. I am not sure who I will be when I emerge , or who we will be as a family , it will be new, scary but I know it will be beautiful since the most powerful force we ever met , our son still fills us both every day and in big and little ways. Smiles and tears in this weird circle of healing .
Please don't take this though as I always do this well. I don't. Anger that is dividing and scarring can boil out of me at the seamless little or big things. Spell my kid's name wrong right now and I freak, do anything that feels self serving or exploitative to him and I will cut you. Don't martyr him or hold him up as a victim. He was none of that , he was my kid and loved and like others on the road of grief he was taken by a freak accident our of our control. Do I still have problems with that loss of control , yes. Do I feel like I failed to protect him , yes sometimes. Do I celebrate his presence , yes every single day. Will I ever stop missing him, no.
Ty and I are on this journey together. He is my partner and the only other person on earth who understands my loss of Mike as his parent. His style of grief is more stoic and inflection, while mine is the bat shit crazy extroverted out pourings. Like as parents we compliment each other in grief . We know when to hold each other and when to give space. I love him to the deep crevices of my heart and more so that he took the chance with me to create this family. And we did , with Mike we all learned from each other, grew and challenged each other. He is also the only person who understands that when I say I just want to be with our kid, I am not suicidal or wanting to leave him or my life. Its just me placing words to an ache that can never be filled . And we love each other through those deep moments, maybe not always gracefully but honestly.
My child was a big personality. Energy, curiosity , movement. The house is quieter and smaller without him filling the space. It feels a little grey garden like minus the racoon and garbage but its hard to invest . we bought this home in preparation for bringing home our child, We never though we would be mourning our child here.
Maybe this post makes sense, maybe not . For me it is an awareness and thankfulness that while the world is passing by, people still are holding the door for me.
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