The biggest challenge of losing your child is having faith. Me and God are not seeing eye to eye right now, I know that is OK , part of the process. Those days after Mike died , my heart felt frozen. I truly believed everyone could see my heart accepting rivers of blue icy, cold and pulsing and my heart icing over and withering. Two religious thoughts,old memories ran in my head on a crazy loop. The first the prayer of St Francis because my son was my channel of my peace. The other "my Lord, my God why have you abandoned me"? That one is pretty self explanatory.
So many things that led to my son were not random acts but I believe paths for him to come to us. Too many perfect timings that created our family. Even in our darkest moment, when Mike passed he was protected. A family member was the 911 call taker on his call. They got Pastor Todd, a friend of some family members out to the family and then our family to Ty and I. If I believe there are no accidents in the world , but paths then I have to accept there is a plan of why our love was taken just as he started to live. I am not succeeding right now in that acceptance. I am not going quietly into that night, like diamonds I do not rise. This is the hard part of grief. God is loving and protecting my child right now, and my parents. I however cannot fathom how he is holding me in any love or comfort , just small mercies.
Because kiddo came to us as teen, many people ask me if I ever wondered what it would be like to have him as a baby. When we adopted him , the answer was no. I was not yet the person I needed to be to be his mom then . I let others raise my kiddo until I found him and they did a crappy job , but once home it was home , he was my child . he always was my child.
Now every once in a while, I tell him I wish we had had more time . That I was the mommy who taught him to tie his shoes, read, tell time, and the list goes on. This I know is because I have lost part of my future , the best part and it makes me nostalgic for a past we never had. Its not hard for me to dial in when kiddos presence is with me. Its a deep vibrating peace , a strong sense of space being held on my right side.He always had the best timing, still does. When I am ready to be prostrate on the floor with grief or at that pain where I cannot think of the next second, he shows up for me .
This past weekend I watched my good friends baby while she got out for a night of I need mommy time. Almost 5 months , the baby is at the age of delight. She tracks, makes sounds, smiles and is so fascinated by the sound of voice. She brings healing to the heart . So here I am holding her singing and singing you are my sunshine. As she smiled at me I told her I wish I could have done that for cousin Mike at her age and she just cooed and laughed. When she fell asleep I just sat and talked to my son, telling him I wish I could have done that for him. I hope someone did that for him and if not mom was so sorry that no one did. I had that moment where I did feel like my baby was thrown to the wolves as a little one and what if we had been found sooner. That is the thing when you grieve these moments where you feel like your heart is being drug through broken bottles , so raw, bleeding and no way out but through it .
In that moment the sun went through my friends stained glass piece, lots of rainbows, which always for me is a sign of Mike . The baby sleeping peacefully, and a sense of warmth and peace entered that very jagged space for me. I know he knows, if that was God's plan , I would have been that mommy for little Mike. But the plan was Ty and I were destined to bring teen Michael back to the land of love , family, support, saftey. We did not have baby Michael but the little lost boy inside my son , was finally loved unconditionally. Despite trepidation , my peaceful warrior did soak up our love and begin to heal the wounds that were left on his inner child. We love him because he was our gift from God, proof that love wins and that our family was amazingly , freaking, nontraditional and awesome. We did not get the little kid stuff , but our stuff was so good. we taught him to love to read, to travel, to think. We showed him that families can fight without crossing lines or abusing. We taught him everything could be worked out because we loved each other. We taught him he was perfect just the way he was .
When I look at this picture of my son so little , I see who I was nurturing in my young man's soul.
We love you kiddo and I will keep working on the faith .
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