In loss it is not for me the empty rooms , the absence of texts or the slow decay of the scents on your clothes that still hang. These are all small things , life's taunts at your memories. For me it is the subconscious, the visceral, the entirety of the shift in me, my DNA , my soul. You my love, you were the last piece of my puzzle, the summit after all my fuck ups, journeys, and epiphany. They say only you can complete you, I agree. But Michael you were destined to be ours and us yours, you are part of me. The day your sweet face opened that door at your foster home, I was all in and encompassed in the realization I was complete. I was your mom, it was, it is that missing piece. I am not incomplete since you passed but instead, lost and off internally.
I liken myself to one of those tin wind up toys .The big butterfly turn key in my back. The key is gone, ripped out , yet I still can function. You can find other things to wind me up , make me go, but its more effort and more hurky jerky. I feel rusty and vintage , my loss the patina that covers me. Right now I feel in the stage of anger, which I think is funny for me this is rage , not anger. I know your years with us , your family gave you light and life and love that you never dared hope. As much as you completed us, our family completed you. When you passed I heard so many times how you left this life fully knowing how much you were loved without condition. I know that in my head, my heart wants to go Mad Max with a bat on every adult who hurt you before us, wasted your potential, tried to beat, burn and bury your spunk. Every person who was in the dark terrified by the light in you, I am struggling with forgiveness. I rage against myself. Baby I know I could not have changed this but my soul struggles with not being there with you for you when you crossed over. I promised you I would always be there, in this instance, it was God's call not mine. I know what your injuries were. I don't share that with anyone, its too much too much to hold but that night in the mortuary when Grandma left, I saw them, all of them.Your mom, the rational no fear of blood and guts and life, how badly my baby was broken , still trying to push that shock out.
I don't want you to worry, I know from you coming to me that night you are OK and you found a freedom or your heart you never believed in . Keep moving in that in spirit , thank you for the nights dad and I feel you with us and just be ready when I finally end this life and cross over for the biggest hug I ever gave you. I am missing but not lost , I am searching but not unfulfilled. Losing you in some way made me fearless, there is nothing anyone can say or do that could ever do what losing you did. And I now longer worry about death. So I speak without worry and move with my own compass and not the expectations of others. You my love were brave, even in places of uncertainty, you had faith that with the love from all of us , nothing was insurmountable. So here at 45 instead of getting my son through college and being mom , I move to me and dad. I dance, meditate, teach my classes , work on the book and prep to go back to school. I have a life coach, therapist, functional med doc and none of this makes me miss you less but it does more than fill the void, it reconnects me back to the land of the living.
The people in our life, our family both blood and by choice are the people we let in to nourish you. They all miss you as well but now they nourish dad and I. Their love does not fill the gaping hole in my chest but instead provides fluffy soft filling around it ,so its not so jarring and when I breathe. Its supported and not tearing. The light they shine into me cleanses
The flashes you are showing me kiddo are so joyful, hopeful and brilliant. I am know you are safe, I am not scared of where you are. Its the missing you here , that's hard. But know my key will keep turning , I will hurk and jerk to get through and I will dance and play. I miss you in depths I have no words but please know while this mom toy is vintage , its not broken .
I love you more than life kiddo
Love Mom
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