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| what kiddo looked like our first skype Valentines Day |
Oh our love, has it been any easier yet, no. However while
each day I still look for you, a text a call or wake up going to see if you are
awake only to remember, now at least I can bring forth those memories of pure
you without shearing my soul in half. Even in grief, I now can see those bits
of light that were life with you as a gift.
Before you, Dad and I did not do Valentine’s Day. Somewhere in
my 30’s I rejected the idea of one day of forced love, I guess after working
watching people stress out over the perfect card, meal, and date. Love should
not be forced on some grand display and then I met dad. Your dad and I have
been together since the first day we met, there is something in your dad’s
spirit that always calls to me and on my best and worst days it is him I want.
We despite some naysayers created a relationship, a home, a family. We worked to
be in a place where you were able to come through.
Tomorrow is February 14th and I do not think I
can bear social media that day but today I think back, How 4 years ago on the
13th we were nervous wrecks waiting until we could Skype the next day with you.
To be fair we had done a little recon, I had your file and adoption pictures
plus a video of a very young very obviously over medicated kiddo talking about fashion.
It hurt to see you that drugged kiddo and I feel blessed that Sonja and Kris
took you off those cocktails of lethargy and compliance.
I had done some recon because in your file in one line your
name was not blacked out, your whole name. You never knew but I saw your Facebook
and your youtubes long before you every showed me. What I saw was this spunky kid,
lonely kid, my kid waiting for us. On February 10 th, you scare the crap out of
us kiddo when you attempted to take your life. If I had knew what those kids
had said to you about us not wanting you either, I would have seriously beat
down some parents for not teaching their children to be human beings. I did not
sleep those days you were in the hospital, I had no legal call to you yet and
non one could give us info direct. I prayed, for God to hold your heart, for
you to feel us 1392 miles away. I prayed for you to be safe until me, your
mother could take that load from you. I know you are in a place of all knowing
so you know now when I say I loved you since the first time I saw your picture,
its truth. You were meant to be ours, and us yours, period.
And then the day rolled around and the hour. One Skype light
up for all of our worlds to change. And there you were sitting in Sandy’s
kitchen with Sonja and Kris. Looking at these 2 people from Oregon who said
they wanted you and you deciding to let us in or not. Dad and I held hands
under the computer and squeezed each other when you did things that just melted
us. There you were with your tousled hair, pink shirt, black vest, horned
glasses, so trying to gussy up for us. You our child were the quietest you ever
were with us, day one, then it was game on. You would talk to us and when it
got to be too much flip through the welcome book dad and I sent out. You were
so overwhelmed baby but you kept talking, getting to ask us questions. Sussing
us out. Dad’s first words to you, we will never give up on you, do not give up
on us. You agreed and we all have kept that promise, forever. I liken what was
happening for me to be like a first ultrasound, I could not stop looking at you,
you were remarkable and beautiful and from the second you said hello, mine. My
son, my child, my baby forever. You did not know but the wheels were in motion.
Dad and I and A family For Every Child being relentless calling the ND governor’s
office, DHS and everyone to get you home. And in 38 days from that first call,
you were in our arms. And in 1 year and a week from that day you were ours
legally, Michael Wyatt VanWoert forever.
It was always you Michael. You were who dad and I were
destined to parent. I wish we had you as a baby and you did not have abuse or
multiple homes. But somehow this was God’s plan. It was always you from the
first picture to our drive in a blizzard to get you.
You were always and are always ours.
Our world lit up the day we met you, it became bigger,
brighter and expanded dad and I as people, as a couple as humans. Our goal was
to create a life for you filled with love and safety and infinite possibilities and shiny wonderful memories. And I guess we did, I just wish we had more time
kiddo. Just like we celebrate the day we all met, I wish I could have done that
with your children, my grandchildren, now empty hopes and ghosts.
So on the day of love it was not chocolate or hearts for us.
Instead each year a celebration, a moment to remember there are no coincidences,
to celebrate all of us and our child coming home. The world is struggling with
love kiddo, I am trying to put my peace in it. There are not words big enough
for how much we miss you or how much we love you. Just know when you bask in
the peace of God, that part of his love is what we also have for you.
Happy Family Day kiddo, we love you to the moon and back
We never gave up on you , don’t give up on us , ok
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