Dad and I made it through the holidays and your birthday , by the skin of our teeth but we did it . Interesting I never knew my body could cry daily but it has , some days less , some days on the floor holding your ashes, someday violently in the shower. But every day the tears leave me as at some point the fact that I had to give you back to God becomes unbearable.
There are traces , glitter embedded in your bathroom wall , your clothes still in the closet that smell like candy , your cologne and young male testosterone. Cold spots on my arm , warm spots and pressure over my heart, all subtle signs you have not left me completely.Left us completely.But your physical tangible preference at times I am so desperate to find it , find you . You defied a lot kiddo: convention, victimization , bitterness. You rose up against that all . But here we are defying natural order , my son you should not have gone before us and no matter what any parent who has joined this hell of loss knows , that upset of natural order shakes us as mothers to our core. The natural and man made world no longer makes sense and its struggle to find up again, to make sense again.
I have seen other moms lose their children while you have been gone and without having to see their face, I see their soul . Its shredded , lost , wanting in a swarm of pain , sadness and at times cross road of faith. I don't know at times what to say because the it gets easier part has not yet happened for me. I put on my game face , I do appreciate and take in those who I love and are around me , but at some point, some mile-second, that portal of loss sucks me back into the vortex. I know why we tell grieving parents it gets easier, it keeps us from going under from drowning. Its not easier, I am not accepting this more, figuring it out better, adapting or adjusting. I just put on the mask of competent and connected and give my healing over to God . To be blunt you being with him and dad loving me is the only reason I have not yet blown my brains out , becoming an addict , threw it all away . You safe , so my job now is my own safety, its tough.
I thank God for friends who I connect with on deep levels and can be silly or sad or both without judgement. I thank God that he took you quickly , that the pain of death is for dad and I to bear, you never had to , you crossed instantly.I am getting use to the stares when I am asked if I have children and I say I used to. I am ok with crying at coffee commercials with happy families, knowing your wedding , my grandchildren are off the table for me. I am accepting that muscle memory is powerful and i will automatically buy your favorite foods at the store, try to send you a pic in text when it is something I think you would find funny. I am figuring out how to argue with myself on who will win Drag Race( ps this last season , mom actually called it, not you ) I have a therapist, a life coach , a natropath and great people all around. Everyone but you .
I miss you honey. It is my honor to be your mom, to have been there for your journey , to love you without condition forever.
I love you Michael Wyatt
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