as you always said kiddo, mom is getting older

Hello My Love
Another year approaching and the birthday sweep as you call it coming into term. Micah no longer squirt is 5 , then me 45 , you get to celebrate grandmas 74th in heaven with her this year , then dad turns 46. And mom learns the lesson that time does keep going.

I don't mind aging , its natural progression and my anthropological mind is OK with that. MY heart however rallies against one more milestone without you here.  Its rallies against you not coming through the door with your boyfriend, spouse, children. It cry's because there will be no card in the mail from far off places as you took on the world in nursing in places other would have ran from. Its not getting a call from grandpa tomorrow , "how you doing , you cant be 45 I am only 40 myself."
Its keeping my answers to myself so I don't sound self pitying but what I want for my birthday , I cannot have. One more day , one more hour, minute second to hug you , to hear you. To have the last time you walked through the door saying I love you see you later to have not been the last time. What I want is peace to reconcile with God why after years of being abused and unloved , this family came into being , that we rallied together for you, for us and for unconditional love , why was that so short?
I look at your art the blackboard with your writing "love is always love no matter how it looks" and try to remember this is love. It is unconditional love and with that you run the risk of loss. And even in this mourning I love you as much as the day I first set eyes on you.

45 , not sure how many years still for this earth but I think I will never stop looking for you everywhere I go , that each new birthday moves me less away from bitter and more to the sweet of your memories. Dad and I will celebrate , we will have fun and love and laugh but now there is always this underlying piece. The thing we both feel that needs no words or conversation.

While I never minded aging , I did fear death. Losing you has stopped that fear. In our loss there were profound and undsiputable incidents that allowed God to show us there is life after this.That you are safe and with us each day . Like grandpa crossing you over , I know you will be there for me .

In my early 20s I somehow did one of those tests that said I would die at 45, now 45 I would lie if I said it was not coming back in my mind. But for me it is different , I don't see 45 as the year of my death but instead the death of my old way of being . To love and to live for me and for you and for dad,, I am dismantling all I ever was and moving to an era of betterment and love. I don't want the old me but the new one better and moving towards progress and embracment, making up for lost time. Losing you taught me that.

So this weekend I  will play on the favorite family beach, I will have cake , I will laugh and love and appreciate my life ,just know you are in my heart

love mom