Then the demon came out . When I was 13 two things happened to me at once. One I began to understand I was more attracted to girls then guys. And two, our neighbor died. This ripped open a wound I had from childhood, that from 4-9 years old this man sexually abused me. He threatened to kill my grandmother if I told. At 8 there was an incident at school where someone said I told someone about a friends death. And even though I was not the person who told her, someone else did in spite and anger, it came back to me. My friend was devastated and I was concerned for her but in that all the adults did not validate that I had not questioned the death to be mean but it was two conflicting stories. I felt no one believed me and if they they could not believe I would not intentionally hurt my friend,why would they believe someone was hurting me. It was the day I decided to stop letting people in and stop really knowing truth. My childhood is truly an erased cassette tape. My memories from 4-19 are very few and far between. As a teen I hid in shadows and was given mega doses of antidepressants and lithium. And I found sugar.It soothed me, hyped me and with my young hormones out of wack and my reality gone was a replacement to injure myself when I could not cut. I would eat sugar until I was sick.
At 19 when my fake world shattered and I had to live in the real world and make amends to myself and others for damage done, I moved to Oregon. I lived and worked in a Mormon household. Pam and her husband were proponents of real food and I began to feel and see health. Real food healed me and helped me deal with the wounds to my soul. A year after I moved to Oregon,I began school at the University of Oregon. Newly out and feeling secure, I began to make friends with folks in my housing. One guy in particular, we had a laid back go to the store, talk between classes friendship. That is until the night he attempted to rape me in my apartment. At 44, my gut would have been kick him in the balls,call the cops. At 21, I felt I was doing penance for all the bad, that happened in my life while I ignored life. I went back on a sugar binge and learned what so many sexual assault victims know. Extra weight can be a security to keep people away. And when you don't think you are worthy the fake hugs from sugar are your friend. And the demon stays with you damaging your body.
Like any kind of addiction , you hit bottom often before you see what is broken or how to begin to fix it. My bottom came in my moment of supreme happiness. At the same time our adoption was finalizing, my self destructive behaviors caught up with me and I was diagnosed with diabetes. That rocked me. All I wanted was to be an awesome mom, but how could I do that sick? The diabetic meal plans never worked well for me, the ones I got from websites and nutritionist. Grains even in small amounts make me crave sugar. That is my body. When my heart hurts I revert often back to that little girl who feels she deserves to be hurt, and crave crap. You can understand what sugar does in your body but until you really know the role it plays in your emotions and food, it has the upper hand. I deal with sugar addiction constantly and this past year in losing parents, siblings and mobility, yep I pity partied myself with crap. I paid for it. But I am out of the shame spiral and back to I am worth so much and I deserve health. Weight loss programs never worked for me, when I saw woman yo-yo ing for 15 years at a meeting, I though you have watched enough. My shift had to be eat because I am worthy not to be skinny. Fill myself up with nutrients. For me, authors like Diane Sanfillippo and Liz Wolfe literally saved my life. Paleo and primal eating I knew made me feel better, these bloggers and authors made me realize this was not a diet but a way of life and a healthy one at that. That caring for my body with food was sustainable. And we see results. My AC1 is now almost to normal non diabetic levels, my constant nausea gone.
But every once in a while stress or every 21 days, my demon pokes out his head. Giving into carb laden or processed sweets will cascade me on a path of overindulging, increased cravings and nausea. So I look for comfort foods. As a child my grandmother made egg custard for me because my favorite Winnie the Pooh book had a scratch and sniff of custard that Kanga made for Roo. It was hard enough to miss my grandmother: and with mom and dad passing so close together the loss makes me crave memories both mental and physical.
So dear readers, I have made a custard that keeps me on track, adds warmth and a touch of sweetness to my soul when it needs it. It is dairy free, yummy and with black-strap molasses a slower burning sugar. These will make 4-6 servings depending on ramekin size. I love it warm or set it in a bowl with some warm water to reheat.So next time your sugar demon raises his head, know you are worth more than what he wants from you, give some sweetness but embrace the warm comfort of nutrition too !
pozdrowienia
Rachel
Pineapple custard
1 can full fat coconut milk
2 tsps almond milk
1 tsp of natural vanilla
2 tsps blackstrap molasses
2 whole eggs plus 3 egg yolks well beaten ( in a bowl for next steps)
1 tsp ( or less ) of maple sugar
1/4 cup finely diced pineapple
In ramekins
place sprinkles of pineapple and maple sugar
place ramekins in a deep casserole dish and set aside
preheat over to 325 degrees
In a saucepan combine all ingredients but eggs
Heat on medium , stirring to not scorch
Cook 305 minutes and then take off heat and let it set one minute
SLOWLY add a small batch of hot liquid into eggs and whisk quickly to incorporate , whisk in small batches to liquid and eggs incorporated
DO NOT RUSH or you will have scrambled eggs
When incorporated put back on stove 2-3 minutes low stirring frequently until mix coats back of spoon
Pour mix into ramekins
In the casserole dish create a water bath , using warm water to fill to right above the rim of ramekin but not in the mix
bake at 325 for 50-60 minutes until set and firm, pineapple will rise to top
Put your feet up and enjoy!
No comments:
Post a Comment