Nie mój cyrk, nie moje małpy : not my circus not my monkeys. My grandfather Hank used to say the not my circus part all the time when I was a child. These expression now with a popular memes on the internet is giving credit to things in life you cannot control or more interestingly maybe things you should try not to control .But what if it is your circus and your monkeys , those pesky thoughts that drive you to do food, booze, apathy , fear or worse yet nothing. Its riding it out knowing the circus now is in town in full bloom like an American Horror Story episode,freak show. The monkeys will be throwing crap and if your not careful that mental poop will get on you. If you do not take care of it right away, it will dry and it will stain.
Since moving to Oregon 22 years ago , I have made several deep connections and friendships with folks. even if we do not talk and hang out all the time.The love and care and connection are there and we start off right where we left off. One of these friends is Jay. Sign Language interpreter by trade, artist by heart she like me can dial into her earthy, crunchy, drum circle self very easily. She is also an amazing mom to her daughter who at 4 is one of the funniest and most insightful toddlers I know.
Sometimes as adults we would give anything to give up our adult card, go hide in the fort ,eat cookies and nap. Jay and her former partner have had to bypass the fort and be the adults and parents that we should strive to be. While not together, when they are with their daughter they show the grace of putting your kiddo first. Because of shared custody, they have made the decision to live in the same town , so their daughter has less travel time, one preschool and more stability. This means a 2 more hour distance between us. To be honest it quite unraveled me. My friend and I are not joined at the hip , we are not in contact daily but my monkeys were screaming. After a year of so much change another perceived loss paralyzed me. For me that loss is unraveling, silently. My insides felt like prickly and convinced this was the end.
Jay had timed her move to be after the c-section of her new baby later this month. Like all good mom plans, baby has her own . And we welcomed her into the world at 36 weeks and 6 days. Healthy and sassy. As timing had it her bestie was away and I was able to be in with jay when little miss was born. I have been in a few births and the miracle never gets old. For me though, this time left a bigger imprint on my soul After so much death and loss, I was in a moment of life and in my friend I saw the rapture and joy that is almost non measurable: The divine of the start of your child's life. It brought me back to the moment in really time when I saw my son for the first time peering out of a door at his foster home. It was the start of my son's life in that he now had all the unconditional love, support and devotion that new baby was experiencing . Mom was a trooper, baby was healthy and I was no longer unraveling . Two hours is in the span of life is nothing to travel to those you love. And its OK. Change is there to shape you not break you. In our all or nothing world we forget that, growth only comes from movement. Movement has no intrinsic value , we are the ones who assign the value, we design the circus billboard before we even see the show.
So my dear readers if the circus comes to town and its not yours : Don't buy a ticket. If it is yours see the show but do not become part of the act. Have faith that the circus will pull stakes and pack up and move on.
pozdrowienia
Rachel
I am adding some of Jay's art here. She is a great artist and can do commission pieces, figured I would give her the plug LOL.
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