Michael with Grandma and Papa, First Thanksgiving 2013.
166. That's the number of days since I last saw my son in flesh and blood.166 days ago I woke up to Mike stumbling about getting dressed, heading out to friends and then his sisters. Basketball shorts, Simpsons Tee, Hoodie from Mexico from Grandma. So excited becasue in 2 weeks he was gearing up to do a medical training program for a year that would give him an edge to nursing school. To be an ER nurse or work with places like Mercy Corp,. A person who wanted to run and give help in places of the world others were fleeing from. 166 days ago your singsong voice , head on my shoulder , coquettish batting eyes., "mom could we run to the market and get breakfast"For all the moms you know we meant me. But I had time before work so coffee for me and a bean burrito and ice tea for kiddo. A hug , love you , will call you if I stay over at my sisters or friends tonight.\
Dad called later asking me to come home, saying he needed me. I asked if he was ok and he said yes just come home, I asked if you were ok , no answer. That was the first pit drop in my stomach. I texted and called you, no answer, second pit drop. In all honestly kiddo I thought there was an accident that dad was having me come home to go to the hospital or that you were home shaken with a wrecked car. I never expected the next time I saw you , the mortuary would be letting me in. I have talked with others who have lost and shared this same phenomenon , I was insane , I needed on my whole core of self to get to you. I remember very few clear details, grandma coming in with me , her sharp intake of breathe and her saying Oh Michael. I just remember holding you , stroking your hair, kissing your eyes . I saw the injuries they tried to hide from me , the damage . Someone spared us something kiddo some mercy. I felt your injuries, sadly due to social media I say the car. Somehow kiddo there were no injuries save a small bruise to your face. You were recognizable. Baby if you had to go back to God , I am thankful that it was without a doubt instantaneous.166 days ago I was thankful that my baby did not suffer . 166 days ago despite my crisis of faith, visceral searing heartache and black depth of loss, I remembered that 3 years , 5 months and 27 days my life changed in a way I could have never seen. I loved more, deeper and honestly than ever before. The sense of true joy and contentment woke up . 1274 days before that black day , God gave dad and I our greatest gift and commitment in this life, he gave us you.The reason I miss you so deeply and actually , the reason I have cried for 166 days straight , is because my son you were loved with every fiber of our beings, unconditionally without restraint or hesitation. You were and still are the child of my dreams , I worked my ass off to conquer my own shit, to grow up and become a person worthy of being a parent and my love worthy of parenting the awesome and sometimes complicated you .
Tomorrow starts the holiday season, I am not dreading it but not embracing it either. I know my lover of this season that may disappoint you but son , the wound is still raw. I loved how you hated commercialism or holiday or buying for buying sake. I love how for you a child who searched for us for so long , this connection to holiday plus kick ass birthdays was enough, now stocking was still your favorite part and that you would pace until the first guest :friend family or both would arrive for holiday dinner..That you would eat anything gourmet but wanted stove top stuffing. That family you never took for granted.
This year I still give thanks to friends and family who have walked along side of Ty and I during this hell on earth. That in 166 day, people we loved and know have given us millions of reasons to continue on, room to grieve and spaces to heal I am thankful that folks let us share your stories with love and no trepidation. I am thankful because my son without you my life would have been less, diminished and always incomplete. While grieving and missing you is a daily struggle please know my child you are the piece that completed and healed moms heart . I am lost without you to be honest but always thankful you are ours.
miss you you baby
love mom
#nomikeiam not making stovetop
#sleepinblackfriday
