On this very joyous occasion our AFFEC family is honoring our son.
They are doing a lovely video of Ty and I talking about who our son was , and AFFEC staff talking about him as well. I am sure I will weep copiously at it, prepared to be warmed and shattered by it. They asked me if I would speak about our son, our journey and our agency that helped us come together. My first reaction was hell no, pop tarts make me cry right now. If I cant make it through a phone call with a friend who wants to see tears and snot trying to talk. I thought about it and realized at this dinner so many people who helped Michael come home will be there, other families who adopted the same time as us, families from our AFFEC support group and most of all maybe some family that is on the fence about adoption . Who needs to see even in this unrelenting pain , we still were blessed with the greatest joy of our life, we were blessed by being his parents. If me standing there gives one more Michael a chance to be loved like we love him , ok game on.
I am still dreading this , it scares me .I am terrified that nothing will come out. I am dreading and prepping not just for the speech but the bittersweet emotional drain this night will take. what it will do to my depleted energy levels. But I can't say no , my kids story that love wins is pushing me out of my comfort zone . I am pissed that I should even be making a speech in memory yet again of my 19 year old , it pisses me off that life is unfair , short and fleeting. Then I remember the 4999 other kids that had these folks give family to , and how many more to come and yes even in my grief for my kid I will put on my big girl panties and fake 10 minutes of sanity and strength .
So some of the wording may be changed but here is the speech I never should have to make in its nutshell , I am sharing it cause after it is read , I honestly may not remember it
with love kiddo , mom misses you
Ty and I joined the
AFFEC family in October 2012. We had been together at that time for 5 years and
while we wanted children, birth was never our plan. Adoption was not our plan B
but the main plan. We in our hearts believed our child (children) were already
birthed and waiting for their family to find them. We bought our house with the
sole purpose of having a permanent childhood home for whoever we adopted so
they had that same sense we both grew up with. So many things happened in an
order that proves to us that we were meant to be Michael's parents and AFFEC
was meant to be a part of creating our family. We decided to work with AFFEC because
it was a nonprofit who had a strong case record in creating thriving families.
As a nontraditional couple adopting, AFFEC shows it values the diversity of all
families and that finding a family to match a child is more important statistics.
In October 2012 we had our first orientation with our caseworker. The original
plan was to begin the process in 2013. We were lucky enough to have received a
scholarship for our home study that speeded up our process, thankfully. In
November 2012, our matching assistance caseworker, Nora reached out and asked
if we would like to be one of the December featured families. We were and it
was that post that Michael's caseworker in North Dakota saw. Michael was 15 and
had been in foster care in North Dakota for almost 9 years. In his birth state
of Oregon he had been in foster care for 2 years. She saw our post and saw we
had no age limit as we believed we would let the universe lead us to who we
were meant to parent. Michael was being prepped to age out. In rural North
Dakota there is not a lot of adoptions over the age of 10 and for an openly gay
young man the chances were less.
Michael's file was
over 200 pages. He was in a system he learned to work and exist in. His file stated
he was anti-social, introverted and a clinician even put that his belief was
Michael was un adoptable and any placement would fail. We read the file, talked
to our caseworker Chris and Christy. There was something about him that drew us
to him. We prepared for all the issues in the file, but we believed so much of
this was coping skills of a child who had just been without safety and love for
too long. We believed in us as a family and him. There were several other
challenges, for as long as he had been in the system, he was not legally free.
His adoption agency and the DHS there had never done an interstate placement or
adoption. The team at AFFEC told us they would help that paperwork process and
we just need to concentrate on Michael.
On 12/19/12 we were
informed that AFFEC had gotten the DHS paperwork to place Michael into foster
care with us, to begin the termination process and move him to adoptive placement.
Again where DHS in ND faltered because this was so new, AFFEC took the lead. On
Valentine’s Day 2013 we met our son face to face via skype. He was the most
beautiful child we had ever seen and while DHS often treated him like an adult
both Ty and I and AFFEC realized he was still a kid and needed to just be a kid
in the process .He was very shy the whole call but excited to know he could Skype
with us any time until we came to visit him in March. At the end of the call
his caseworker asked him if he had any others questions for us. He looked in
the camera on his computer and gave the smarmy little grin we now know so well
and said "yeah what took you so long? ‘And that was it, done deal. He was
our son.
We had 115 Skype calls
between the month we met him and the day he came home. The original DHS plan
was Michael was to finish school in ND then come home that summer. At 16 the
stress of multiple placements and the fear of this adoption failing began to
seriously impact Michael. His migraines, stomach pain and insomnia was daily. He
would cry to us at times saying please don’t give up on me, please come. His
caseworker, the AFFEC team us as his parents decided that his school could be
made up. His wellbeing was more important. Our plan became if we could not take
him home sooner one of us would get a part time job in ND and stay by him until
he could come home. AFFEC worked with both states DHS to get his placement in
place and on 3/23/13 what he thought was a visit was actually the last day he
was in a foster home. From 3/23/16 he was ours and on 2/22/14, 10 months shy of
his 18th birthday he legally became ours. But from first sight he was always
ours, the paper was a formality and his safety net.
We often jokingly said
that we were not given the child in his file. Our introvert was an extrovert
who just embraced us, his new family and life. His laugh was deep, from the gut
and true. His 5th grade reading ability was just undiagnosed dyslexia and he
started high school with a 1.3 GPA. After 2 months of work on his reading with
his disability he tested at a 12 grade reading level, He scored the only
perfect OAKs test in science his school had ever had. When he graduated high school
his GPA was 3.8. Michael had PTSD from horrific childhood abuse, he had
abandonment issues. He tested us at times. And at times the PTSD took over But each time he tested and no one came to
move him, each time he had to work it out in a family, each time he was loved
unconditionally a piece of him blossomed. His demons well he was learning how
to starve them and he and his therapist made huge strides in him being present
in his current life and not chained to his past. He had no clique, if he liked you,
he spent time with you. He held his friend’s hands male or female in public, at
19 he still held our hands when he walked with us, still climbed into bed
between us to watch TV. Still said I love you. For a kid who never thought he
would be more than a fast food worker in North Dakota, he owned proudly his
hard work and graduation, .It was many long nights of the 3 of us getting
through homework. He went to Europe as a graduation gift and saw the world is a
wonderful place. He wanted to be a nurse and with just adjusting to working in
his dyslexia .He made a decision to join Job Corp for medical tech training so
he could learn what other kids learned in years of stable schooling: scheduling
and opportunity. He was set to go to his program in July for a year then come
back and enter a pre nursing program. His dream job was to work overseas in
programs like Mercy Corp or Doctors without Borders. He was and is the most spectacular
and amazing thing ever to come into our lives. No matter the age or that he
came with furry legs and face scruff, he is our baby. He completed us. He is
our reminder in times of discord that love wins.
We will miss how he
always made the rounds in town to see grandma, his aunt and a family friend at
the hair salon. How he would have call of duty marathons with his two best friends,
holed up with pizza and noise. But then his friends would come out from playing
with charcoal facial because Mike told them they needed to take care of their
pores if they wanted girlfriends. We miss the three of us grabbing breakfast,
just heading out on the road. We miss that he was so strong he could pull you
from a sitting position, straight up when he wanted a hug. We miss the "whatever’s"
and the eye rolls. We miss every fiber of our child for all he was.
At his funeral over
100 people came to celebrate his life with us and story after story we were
blown away by how much of an impact he made and created a legacy most adults
will never have. Several of his teachers from high school came and one of his favorites
told us he thought every time he saw Mike speak out in class or strut down the
hall so comfortable in his skin, that he was in fact a badass. And Michael was comfortable
in himself because he was loved without condition every single day he was with us
and his family. He learned families could have different opinions but still
respect and support each other. He knew no matter what he was loved and that
would never change. He knew there was a long list of people behind his parents
that would have to also die before someone harmed him ever again. He knew he
was our everything and that allowed him to bring out the best parts of himself
.At his funeral the pastor reminded us that the stories of Michael had a theme:
love, joy and being present in your life. He challenged everyone in that chapel
to remember that and as they left the service do to as Michael would, skip. To
watch the very young to very old, skip for our son, it shows so many people not
just us, really were touched by him.
As parents we are living through the worst
thing you can ever do, losing your child before you. Not a day goes by without
him being so present and missed. But this is the price for unconditional love,
to love fearlessly and without limits knowing you may also have to survive
pain. The grief we feel every day and will until we see our son in the next
life, is such a small price to pay for all the joy and love. We would rather
have this pain and loss than never have had the blessing of the time and the
love that was our son. What we created as a family is beautiful, what we had
with him a gift. As much as it hurts to
have him gone, he left this earth not just another stat on foster care but he
left knowing he was our son, he was loved for his whole being and he had a place
in this world.
When we began the
adoption journey, each snag, each roll of red tape, AFFEC was there for us. It
was always "what do you need, how can we help" They took that stress
from us and allowed us to focus on Michael. This process was from them always
focused 100% on what was best for our son. When Michael passed we decided in lieu
of flowers we wanted folks to instead donate to AFFEC. So like us, someone else
could meet their loves. So one more child or children would be out of the
system. To have to call and tell people that donations were coming because Michael
had passed was so hard. Christy and the team were there for us again "what
do you need, what can we do?"
If you are a family because
of AFFEC you know how wonderful this team is, how they live their mission and
really hold and care for their families. If you are a donor to AFFEC, please
know what you have given our kids, our families is beyond a thank you and there
are no words to explain this gift.
We thank you all for
giving us the avenue to find and love our son and we are humbled by your
support and love in our loss. If you’re on the fence about adoption, please go
find your Michael ( s) . Please remember love wins.
