The greatest love is a mother's; then a dog's; then a sweetheart's

Three and a half years ago, the greatest event happened to me and my partner. I had my child. A healthy, sassy 16 year old child. In our adoption journey, we had found Mike and our world was never the same. From first photo to a devastating 300 page file of neglect,abuse and self destruction we loved him. There was a force pulling us to him. He was birthed by another woman, abandoned by her but he found his way to our world and I believe that God had a  hand in that. You would think adopting child stuck in foster care for years would have been easy, it was not. It was a journey of red tape, fear, heartache, joy and stamina.

I get and I am sure lots of us adopted moms get questions about his "real mother" Last time I checked I was not a unicorn nor a drug induced manifestation, I am real. Birthing a child does not make you real, raising and loving that child does.

One of the most painful conversations I have ever had was with a  family member when my partner began gender transition. Not because of the transition conversation but the arrow shot out at me as she lashed out wrestling with her own stuff. I was told that I was a great mom but because I did not carry Mike in me, I could never know the pain a real mother goes through. No I thought because you carried this child your love for them should be unconditional and you should be able to put their needs first. Bonding with my abused son made me put aside my own ego, become calmer to weather his fears and stand in the truth that my child was part of me but not me.

Look, I will shout out to moms who have birthed their kids! Seen many births and damn ladies, you rock. Its not something that is easy, the  pregnancy or the birth  You are awesome mamas. You do not however have anything more over adopted moms , the challenges and struggles are different but just as "real". But I guarantee you all adoptive moms  also go through fear, cravings, questions, nesting, nightmares and bodily distress in waiting for our kids. My child was not carried inside me but there were days my body was a punching bag from inside out waiting on red tape, trying to soothe my kid over Skype and trying to bring him home. Out labor is that fight for our children and our birth the day we put them in the car and take them from a foster home or hospital forever. Your club and mine are the same, the birth story just has different pages.

Moms are the ones who are there unconditionally, even when they do not understand their children. They support the good and healthy in them and they also RALLY  when their kid slides or fails in life. They help them heal. They worry more about what pain their child feels than what others might think or their own issues. I love my son more than my life and have empowered him to make healthy choices  and support him in learning its OK to fail and try something else as long as the long term goal is movement for your true self. If you did  not know me you would not know I did not birth my son because for me how he was birthed is inconsequential in my role of supporting his whole life and loving him through that.

I grew up with many folks who had moms in the word but not the actions. They birthed them but never protected or supported them. Some friends had step moms or aunts or sisters who filled that void either from necessity or death.Birth is an action. Being mom is a privileged not a right. Real moms are the ones who stay the duration and don't turn their back or regress to their own stuff when their child's life  gets tough. Real moms are born they just do not birth. So here is my shout out to all
REAL moms,  the bio moms, the adopted or foster mom, the step moms , the aunts , grams or siblings that may or may not have carried that child in their body but do in their heart. So this mother's day whether you are a REAL mother or love  a Real mother in whatever form they came to love you : know the memories we carry of love are not of DNA but actions and memories of love and safety. For all of us who have or give that, have a wonderful mothers day and may we love and pray that those lost without someday find that love.

For  moms or anyone looking to pull that light from within , a gift for spring or self  can be flower essences. For my heart right now Buttercup essence lights me up

Buttercup

Latin Name:Ranunculus occidentalis

Healing Purpose:

Buttercup flower essence allows "your essence" to radiate light from the inside out. Rather than being forced to "put on a happy face" you inner light will through naturally with help from this flower remedy. Buttercup is a wonderful healing essence that helps the individual become non-judgmental of the self. Diminishes any feelings of self doubt or failure.
Positive Qualities:

• radiance
• confidence
• self esteem
• happiness

The word priority was never meant to be plural !

I just was recently sent a tweet and re tweeted it about priority never meaning to be plural. In this day and age, ask many folks and there are multiple priorities in their live, their day, their goals. But until the 20th century people did not use priority with a plural  as it was meant to signify that one thing, that focus or value was placed on. Everything else was a task or subset of accomplishment to the priority. Much as we have become apathetic in  ourselves to violence, we have lost the focus of finding that one thing that takes value in our life. Your priority may change as you do, however if you only make one thing your sole focus, so much else falls in line naturally .

Like me you may have had that multiple prioritize list, but really looking at it how can you give 100% to 3 things, 4 things, 5 things at a time?  No matter how the intention, the math does not work. You become frazzled, stressed and the self talk deprecating. But what if we go old school, like the outline we learned to do in 3rd grade? How to highlight our topic and do it well? How to see that one thing, focused on as the end game will lead us to choices that serve us holistically and not compartmentalized.

But Rachel, you say, I have many facets of life. Each has its own priority, thus I have many. Follow me here and its cool, I tell you like a Valium for the brain. The shift is in focus, what you do, each day how does it serve or not serve  the one and only one priority in your life at that time.

After mulling this over: right now my biggest priority in life is my family. My partner and son and I how we navigate the world and the people who by blood or choice are threads in our family quilt. After losing both parents so close together, my greatest sadness beside the grief was knowing that I was jack of multiple priorities, master of none. That caused lost time and with them both gone that will never be made up and I have to feel that, mourn that and go on. When my partner began transition, we learned that some family could try, some family could not and some family was too concerned about what others thought to try. We are blessed by so many people that stepped in to support us and create that circle of love for us in our time of loss and transition. My family unit and extended family are where my time and energy need to go. I find myself coveting time and energy with family and if something does not align to support my focus of family, I get pissed and resistant.

How Rachel, though can you ignore other priorities of life? Well here is the beauty, one priority many tasks to achieve it and enjoy it. My inspiration for looking at that single priority and running with it comes from a childhood friend who I lost touch with but with social media have reconnected with. No one childhood is ever perfect but Jenn got dealt a lot of really unfair and shitty hands. With that as you age you go two ways: you either embrace that  garbage and have it stunt your spirituality or you rally from it and blossom into beauty. Jenn choose the blossom. She may think I am totally nuts or off base but to me, I see a singularity of focus that has created something wonderful. With her spouse they have created a large family where the priority is family first, not perfection but priority.
They have all the craziness just like everyone with ups and downs in life and the grueling pace of needs of a large, active family.But in all her posts and pictures and world views, it is for her one single purpose, one single idea: take care of the family and your place in the world falls into line. There is a genuine peace about her that was absent in her childhood and I love it. It reminds me that good people still can "win" if you will in a not so kind world.

So how do we remember priority was never meant to be plural? I say write it down in any form you like. But much like a 3rd grade outline of Stuart Little, I am looking at my BIG topic and finding my supportive arguments for it .

MY family is the key to my heart, my health, and my happiness. I choose to put them first in my life !

• Health: without it we cannot thrive. My commitment is to eat well, move more and provide healthy food and activities for my family so we stay well together. 
• Work: it provides us with income and for my passion for anti poverty work is a passion and mission we embrace together. My commitment is to be engaged at work to provide for my family but no longer be consumed by it.
• Money: we always have enough , we are lucky. We are not afraid of hard work if we need to be creative in our resources. Our best memories do not involve money. My commitment is to make it and save it for our families needs and future plans but not be side tracked by it.
• Community: once we lose a loved on through death or otherwise, time cannot be re bought until the next life. My family is my tribe that sustains me and I them. My commitment is to create opportunities to connect and remind them of the value we bring together.

So that dear readers is my list, Find your one true priority and embrace it. You are worth that focus!