Still a family of three, just shopping for 2.

Its said when you lose a child, it can make or break a relationship. Ok when you have kind loving people in your world watching you grieve, this phrase this in love and concern for you your partner and offer support to help you both go through it. Eventually you will get a person in life who loves drama who really just wants to show you all the studies about how parents break up after a death of a child. For your sanity breathe in the supportive folks and brush off the drama.

As parents you both love your child unconditionally , however you love and interact with them differently . Even before the transition , Ty was always more dad and that joking teasing relationship always found them finding how to connect in silly sweet ways.My son never had mommy as a baby so we walked the line between being the support to his growing adulthood and the soft safe little kid space. We  became this family that somehow conquered attachment disorder , and trust issues and putting three incredibly stubborn people together in a house. We never thought we were crazy to adopt a kid with a 300 page file and 24 foster homes. We never thought it would be impossible, hard yes but not impossible. We never thought of adoption as plan B, it was just our plan and to be honest we always felt someone else birthed kiddo for us, it just took 16 years for us to pick him up. He was never our adopted child, he was our child and we his forever family . Even in death that is forever. We are still a family of three but only interact with 2.

I understand why parents can run the risk of drifting apart  after losing a child. In a healthy relationship there is compromise, no one loses themselves to the other but you make concessions and find balance. In grief , you have to grieve and feel what is going on to you. You can't compromise your grief, even for the person you love. And we all grieve different so that is when it gets tricky, You have to give each other space and patience and that is hard when you struggle getting up each day or in your own head.Its hard not to be in this slice of time , for us June 10th over and over. You can laser focus but you need to look at your relationship as the sum of the whole not just the enormity of your loss.

Ty and I met ironically because the original Mike W Vanowert , his father had passed. My ex had worked with Mike and I met Ty as he was coming home to work on the house sale and estate sale. We have been through deaths on both sides of the family, loss of employment , family living with us,school, and debt . We fought like hell together to get good jobs, stability to buy our house with a child in mind. Not bad considering its going on 9 year and folks said I would just be a fling for him.From the first night we met we have been together ever since, not always easy but not only do we love each other we truly enjoy each other.We see the potential in each other.  When became warriors together to bring our child home, to give him a routine, boundaries and unconditional love. Something he never had before. Even when it was hard , even as parents and child we rubbed. Our son once tweeted that his parents were so good together because no matter if something went wrong , we fixed it and moved on. We always resolved it with each other and with him. We were not perfect parents but we were perfect in how we loved him and he to us. When Ty began his transition my son  was in a weird way the biggest champion. Telling dad to stand up for himself, making sure he asked for respect from others. In our pain it would be easier in some ways to just focus on ourselves but our son loved us as a family, he participated in us growing as a family. To not continue to love and grow together would weaken what we created without son, it would undermine many many years of being there for each other and enjoying each other. We are a forever family right now and until our time comes to leave this earth and be with out son again,to not love each other they way we loved our family would be a travesty on top of the tragedy. Its worth it even when it is hard or sad because as a couple we were good , as a family we are freaking awesome. Michael made us awesome  and we will strive for that to make him proud. Our love our child is not here but our love with each other will go on .

How you sleep in grief

Sleep is an inherent basic need, without it your health fails, you go buggy, and you decline. But in grief sleep becomes a weird cycle of pitfalls, solace, frustration and dreams. Since losing Michael my sleep has been at times all-consuming or nonexistent.

 The first week that my son was gone, I didn't sleep more than 2 hours at time. I know I would jerk and move in my sleep violently. The next week was undoing what to me was 3.5 years of muscle memory. My life with my son was my partner worked nights and Mike would either come home or text me where he was staying the night. My pattern had been get sleepy and then once the text or the kiddo came in, go to sleep. I still have a hard time sleeping in bed, my angle lets me see the hallway to his room and subconsciously I still wait for him or the text that is never coming. 

My dreams have been to this point nightmares that rattle me to the core and make the next day anxiety and fearful. The setting is always different but the outcome is the same. Ty and I looking for our son, never finding him. Its panic, where I wake up with chest pains, sweat and tears. Its longing that will never be resolved while you are alive in this world. I wake most nights 2-3 times in the process of vomiting or coughing up burning acid, inner pain erupting out. That is I think for parents who have talked to me about losing a child too, this deep burning searing inside you as you grieve. This memory of taking care of your child and no place to put that routine. If you have faith you know your child is now in supreme safety and joy, but as a mom you are parenting an empty hallway. Parenting an empty hallway fatigues you to the core. It makes you question why all this hate erupts in the world, all this violence, all this racism when at the end of the day, another human being is doing this mourning of a child.  How do we as children of God do this to each other no matter what the race, profession, sexuality or religion? How do we not wish this pain on anyone but create it and try to justify with so must careless excuse. 

The world is a scary place right now and sleep should be solace. Grieving parents grieving families get no respite at night, so how do we survive the day? 

I have many pictures of my son asleep, maybe because he came to us at 16, I was making up for the baby years. Maybe it was because my child lived in chaos for so long that once he came home sleep was peaceful for him. He could relax and let go. He trusted we would keep him safe. It’s hard for me to feel like I have failed him in that. I know kids drive, I know accidents happen, however I am the mom and my son was not in the moment of death safe. His room was also a place where we could talk, really talk. Many times I would say to him I was proud of him or loved him and would rub his head or hug him and you could see him shift and shuffle. Once in a while I would ask him if when I loved on him or told him he was awesome, I made him uncomfortable. He would always tell me know, he loved when I did but at times it overwhelmed him. After being without love for so long in his childhood that now to be loved so deeply he was "still amazed” by how much we loved him.

But when he struggled or was moody and did not want to talk, I would go in his room. He would be laying on the bed and roll over, face the wall and act like I was not there. I would prop myself up on pillows next to him and sit down and just talk. Talk about what I was seeing, what I though was going on, if I was concerned and that we were there when he needed us, he just needed to let us in. I would rub his back and eventually he would roll over and smile and start talking about what was truly going on with him. He would let me sit on his bed and chat nonstop to me while he "cleaned ' (aka moved piles about) his room. I go in his room now as sleep salvation. In great insomnia I can lay there and get at least an hour of dreamless sleep. That lets me survive the day.

My child had the knack of being a stubborn teen nudge right to the moment of pure frustration. And then he would pull back and let us in. The past 3 nights have been waking up choking on bile and burn and nightmares of deep fear and loss. Last night though gave me that moment of peace that once awake let me weep tears of love and loss not terror and emptiness. In the dream I walked through the house dark and feeling trepidation. And then there he was, my Michael in his favorite shirt lying in bed, listening to his iPod. Down to each strand I could see his hair, the clear blueness of his eyes which always meant he was peaceful. And I sat on the bed and stroked his hair and kissed his forehead until for a while my heart did not hurt. And I don't believe it to be a dream but a reminder that he is ok that I love him and even in death we as family still need that.

So if like me you are in a sleep hell cycle, remind yourself that dreams are fleeting. They can be painful and scary but fleeting. Memories are real, love is real and it is what will keep you connect to life.

There is nothing in our DNA to cope with burying our children

Humans are truly amazing creatures. We create and destroy, love and hate. We show great acts of mercy and compassion and in the next breathe moments of darkness and evil. We on some levels fear death but kill and justify killing as casually at times as ordering a coffee. But humans are resilient. There is something primal that turns on in us , that ancestral fight or flight that helps us cope either well or poorly but still cope with what life throws at you. But there is one instance where our DNA never pulls out a coping tool, never helps save us from ourselves or our pain. There is nothing in our DNA that allows us to comprehend burying our child before us. It is in fact an unnatural act and makes the participants part of a club that no one wants to join, ever. From mourning mothers of black men and women killed by the system of institutionalized racism , to a nightclub in Orlando , to June 10th 2016 , parents left standing without their children is hell. I now know that because 30 days ago, the love of our life left us in a fatal car accident . He was only 19. And there is nothing that changes that fact or pain.

It is ironic that I am blogging this because right now I barely jump on and off social media, however at this time I am all out of other coping skills. Screaming is wonderful and primal but at some point your voice abandons you like hope or nice concerned people pull over to check on you. Tears now literally burn because of the amount leaving my body , my eyes are essential rubbed raw. There is no solace in sleep , if it comes and there is no drug or alcohol strong enough to stop what washes over me. I cant break stuff because I am too fatigued to clean it up .I look for him everywhere and sometimes if you hear me say " hi baby" its because I sense a presence, his presence in small things and meanings that  he , Ty and I would get. 30 days without him does not seem possible, this nightmare only started yesterday, right? I rage against never seeing his car in front of the house, him bopping through the front door again , the texts , the hugs , my son.
These 30 days have been the most soul shredding event in my lie , part of what gave me lightness and purpose is gone , I do not know how to fill it and am in awe of parents who have lived with their loss for years .

As a parent, you create family and love by memories. In grief  it dawns on you , there will be no new memories with your child. My son will not walk me down the aisle, I will never see him have his first serious relationship, marry and like his parents adopt his children. I will never be the mother of the groom, grandma or the advice he calls when he gets older. That knowledge of that loss is what can drown you in despair , it shears you in half and if not careful with it can leave you a shell of a human. when you lose a child you already become the shell of who you were.

In the past 9 months I have lost my father , my mother and my only child.  I do not know who I am anymore , why I am anymore. This has caused me a huge crisis in faith , that I believe all things are interconnected and not for us to decide but when its your child its hard to embrace. People say God never gives you more than you can handle , but I am beginning to believe his assessment of my strength and mine are very different. I get angry , a lot. Angry when I see a kid driving like they are invincible, angry when someone asks me when I will adopt again like my son is replaceable or that because I did not birth him this hurt less. I get angry because no matter what I do my kid is never coming through that front door again and the well of pain that causes s too big to hold or contain.

So for those of you also in this horrible fraternity , I don't know what to say because I am in no way at the it gets easier to cope part of the grief cycle. What I do know is what honestly keeps me here is letting my clan, my  tribe and even strangers show me love and compassion. My son at 19 was joy, he held our hands in public, he hung out with grandma and grandpa, he loved his friends and family . He started life as a child in foster care but ended surrounded by people who saw his light, who he gave his joy to freely and all of us his forever family. We love him unconditionally and in he return he loved us the same way . His service was standing room only, as  person after person stood up and shared the impact , love and compassion that was our Michael. Family the one I created either through marriage or friendship have feed us , cared for us, drove us and distracted us when we  could not do for ourselves. They held us even as they mourned our child too. It can be a text with a heart or the nice tiny older woman who holds you as you weep in a church you stopped in randomly, who prays with you and gives you her rosary. It reminds you when you think there is no light left in the world that love and light can sneak through the cracks in the wall of grief. There are times when you lose your child that you yourself no longer wish to live , it is the simple act of people holding a space for you in life that keeps you going . Hold space for your spouse and respect that everyone grieves differently , including you both as parents. Losing a child can end a marriage. Ty and I have committed to working to support each other and we do , but it can be hard when you both need different things to heal. We thank our friends who understand at times we need it to just be the two of us , to wrap our heads around being Mikes parents without him here.

Tired is no even the word , yet the description fails me. Normal routine , part time office hours, emails, paying bills , grocery shopping all of this is like new information for me . I have washed my hands with moth wash . forgot literally how to close a front hook bra, driving terrifies me, names allude me. I spent 20 minutes at the DMV and needed to nap for an hour. Because right now acting and it is an act ,like part of routine life baffles me . Because all I want to do is lay down on his bed , surrounded by his things and stay there , everything else confounds me. I want to call my mom , which is not possible or my dad and that barely healed wound tears open bleeding into this new wound as well.

For those who love us grieving parents , thank you . we may never be able to articulate what it is you do for us, how you in fact keep us connected to the world. We know we are not ok and so do you but you allow that to just be.
an I will be without him , how that remains to be seen